I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
