i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
