Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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