she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
MIDGETS
????
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
