I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
