I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
