you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
