I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
