you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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