Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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