It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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