with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
