Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
