imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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