the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
