im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
