Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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