Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
