does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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