my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
