I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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