I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
