my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
