My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
