My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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