Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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