I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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