im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
