my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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