my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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