all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
