Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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