The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
