You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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