We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
