I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
whose parrot is this?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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