I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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