I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
