I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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