I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
someone owes me an orgasm
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
