every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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