Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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