How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
oh god was she eating orange peels again
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Randomize
