You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
