all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
