hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
