I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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