my vag is so smooth its legendary
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
