I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
