mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
This baby is an asshole
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
