I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
my being single is dangerous.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
