Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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