I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
