Just fell off a train. Bad.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
