I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
